


"You Told Me You Loved Me"

by robertstanion



Category: Hatchetfield Universe - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, M/M, Script Format, based on how peip come into the plot, but i can write mcnamander angst, fuck you john mcnamara, i cant write scripts, i wrote this because i had a dream last night, im joking, my theory for nerdy prudes must die, nick lang wont give us a monologue so i wrote one myself, pure angst, where john mcnamara killed me, xander lees emotional breakdown 2019, youre welcome
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:41:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,457
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29095194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: basically how I feel peip’s gonna be introduced into nerdy prudes must die so uh-November 23rd 2019. A year since the tragedy known as black friday. it should have been okay. then a loved lieutenant receives a visit from his ex husband from beyond the grave to offer a message
Relationships: Xander Lee/John McNamara
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	"You Told Me You Loved Me"

**Author's Note:**

> this takes place after the main group of protags gets stabbed very violently man in a hurry/tom houston style. im taking my bets it's gonna be hcb. anyways:
> 
> this is a script formation. i haven't written a script since typing up black friday and tgwdlm in lockdown one. do not critique me, i do not want it

_(The lights dim. Taking this opportunity, GRACE, OLIVER and ARTHUR run off stage. When the lights rise, a box is placed at the back of the stage, XANDER on his knees with his back turned to the audience. He is dressed in the same outfit he wore in **Black Friday**_. He _placed a suitcase on top of the box and flicks it open. From beside him, he begins placing various different items inside of the suitcase. He picks up a leather-banded watch, his eyes lingering on it. No music plays in the background, and the lights are a deep blue)_

Xander: ( _dismal):_ You couldn’t have screwed up any harder, could you? _(pause)_ After everything we gave you…and you ran off. There _is_ a difference between a hero and a fool. _(sighs)_ I don’t know why I’m talking to your watch. It’s stupid. _You’re_ stupid…or maybe _I’m_ stupid for loving you…

_(XANDER places the watch inside of the suitcase, reaching for a shirt. He doesn’t take as much notice, folding it up, placing it on top of the other shirts he’d already packed.)_

Xander: They don’t want me here. I’m being chased out of my own home…but it was never really mine, was it? _(laughs solemnly)_ Who am I to ask? You can’t hear me?

Offscreen Voice: Of course I can.

_(From the right of the stage, MCNAMARA enters. No longer is he dressed in his usual military uniform but something more casual. He wears a grey hoodie that’s just that little too big and denim jeans, still wearing his military boots. His hair is tied neatly, and a small smile begins to form on his face.)_

John: Where do you think I’ve been?

Xander: ( _bitter_ ) I don’t know, _The Black and White?!_

John: _(sighs)_ I see you’re still mad about…

Xander: Any person in their right mind would be.

_(XANDER slams the suitcase shut, zipping it up frustratedly. He throws it to the floor and sits on the box, placing his head in his hands, avoiding the audience still.)_

Xander: It’s been a _year._

_(JOHN falls silent at XANDER’s remark. XANDER laughs again to himself, but it’s empty. XANDER’s voice begins to shake)_

Xander: November 23rd 2019\. It’s been a year without you, John. An entire year. A year to deal with my thoughts. Nobody _else_ wants to listen to the man who lost his husband during _Black Friday,_ do they? Because everyone else gets to be happy. Everyone else gets to live their lives, they got to mourn the people they lost last year. And apparently me seeing you standing in our living room is part of my grieving process!

John: I’m not your imagination, Xander…

_(Again, XANDER laughs emotionless which causes JOHN to shift uncomfortably on his feet. He doesn’t recognise the man before him.)_

John: Look…there’s a reason I’m here-

Xander: Here we go.

John: Xander-

Xander: There _always_ had to be a reason with you, didn’t there?! Structure and sophistication? Whatever you want me to do, I’m refusing!

John: Xander, you were the best field agent I ever worked with.

Xander: Well that title can go to someone else now! I worked with you! John, I quit working at PEIP two months after Black Friday happened!

_(XANDER stands and faces JOHN, anger blazing in his eyes as well as soft tears)_

John: _(processing the new information):_ But you _loved_ the lab…

Xander: It wasn’t about the lab! It was _never_ about the lab! I stayed because I got to work with _you_ every day. I stayed because I got to see _you!_ I didn’t get to mourn you! Oh no, oh no I didn’t! Because- because of _you’re_ actions, there was a world war three!

John: What?

Xander: So I had to stay and fight for something I didn’t want to be a part of! Sure, Russia negotiated a deal with us two months in, but that was _after_ I had to spend Christmas alone, that was _after_ I tried to speak to my dad.

John: Xander…

Xander: _(beginning to pace the stage)_ There you go again! You almost sound disappointed in me! I could never please you, could I? Your hopes were always too high for someone like me to exceed!

John: But you did an _amazing_ job!

_(JOHN takes a step forward, XANDER pointing a finger directly at him, tears now fully running down his face)_

Xander: _(a rough edge to his voice)_ Don’t you dare take another step closer to me.

John: _(taking a step back)_ Let me comfort you-

Xander: From beyond the grave? Yeah, I don’t think so. _(voice begins dripping with sarcasm)_ I got all the comfort I needed after you died.

John: From the other agents?

Xander: Oh yeah! How _could_ I forget? The agents? They don’t care about me! After they found out you died, it was like treading on broken glass around me! They stopped treating me like an agent, they stopped treating me like a human! I had _nobody_ to go to, John! And after spending Christmas alone, having to look at the damn presents I’d wrapped for you anyway that I had to go and return- having to explain to complete strangers that it was _you_ who I’d bought them for! They knew your name and they looked at me so pitifully! I haven’t been spoken to for _months!_ Because nobody gives a shit about Xander Lee!

John: Stop that. It _isn’t_ true.

Xander: _(ignoring him):_ So I quit the job! There wasn’t a point staying there if I wasn’t gonna be treated like a human!

John: But you loved your job!

Xander: _(snapping):_ AND I LOVED YOU MORE!

_(The room falls silent. XANDER is crying at that point, unable to contain it in front of JOHN. JOHN is stood still, his mouth open, shocked. His eyes are wide and frantic as he reaches out for XANDER.)_

John: Xander!

Xander: I loved you more than _damn_ anyone, John. I waited for ya. Every single careless mission you went on, I waited for ya. I poured my heart and soul into you! Half the time it didn’t even feel like you felt the same way!

John: That’s not true-

Xander: You told me you loved me! Didn’t you? _(points his finger back at JOHN)_ YOU TOLD ME YOU _FUCKING_ LOVED ME, JOHN!

John: I know what I told you! I told you it because I meant it!

Xander: Yet you _still_ ran head first into the portal without a suit, I knew you could hear me calling your name! As soon as you went in that portal, I knew you were dead! I knew, and you don’t understand the effect it had on me! You didn’t listen, you never listened, and it cost you your life! After _everything_ we went through, why did I believe you changed?

John: I-

Xander: Because you didn’t. You were still that reckless fool I used to beat myself up over. I questioned everything about myself because I fell in love with you. And when we got married…

_(XANDER falls silent again, not wanting to continue on that lead, so JOHN takes the opportunity to brings up the suitcase.)_

John: I was going to ask you if the suitcase was for a mission but…

Xander: I’m moving away. Schaffer bought the house off me. She wants to rent it out to some younger recruits.

John: _(teary)_ : Where are you gonna go?

Xander: Wherever I want… _(looks up at him)_ The Black and White, maybe.

John: Please, Xander, don’t.

Xander: You’re in my head.

John: Even if I was, isn’t this a sign to stay?

Xander: What?

John: I need you to understand, Hatchetfield is at risk again.

Xander: _(wiping his eyes)_ When is it not?

John: The ancient deity Nibblenephim has taken root and has started bringing back the dead. However, the ghost can only appear to a relative or to a significant other. The silence of the ghosts is causing mayhem. PEIP needs her best soldier back.

Xander: Since when did the agency have a gender?

John: _(shrugs)_

Xander: _(contemplates it for a while):_ This is the final mission I do…

_(XANDER reaches into his pocket and clasps his dog tags back on to his neck. He was already wearing JOHN’s. XANDER turns back to JOHN, the smallest of smiles on his face.)_

Xander: I don’t know if I’ll get to tell you again, but if I don’t…I love you.

John: I love you too…

_(XANDER leaves the stage, dragging the suitcase out behind him. JOHN allows his façade to drop. JOHN’s shoulders shake as he looks at the door XANDER exited the stage from. JOHN sobs. The lights go down.)_

**Author's Note:**

> so i had a dream last night where i read a fanfiction written by zoya and then i was in the fanfiction and i was sat in the jeip which is the car all peip agents drive. it's just a high tech jeep. anyway, then john mcnamara appeared round the corner and tried to kill me. then i was at my dads and they had cats but i fell fairly honoured to be nearly killed in my dream by john mcnamara. and then i continued reading fanfic. it was still zoya's fanfic
> 
> also i have no idea who ollie and arthur are. actually i do i headcanon them to be hcb and cineplex kid and stfu they are dating.


End file.
